Where to begin...
I always struggle with my words when sharing something deeply personal with an audience I can't see.
It's the start of a new year and I'm generally not one to sit down and reflect on the previous year or make goals for the coming one. I've learned over the years that my desires can change with the blowing wind and my good intentions are often swept along. This post is a reflection, but not because it is a new year. I just think it is just time to get honest with myself and you.
Perhaps it would be best to start at the beginning...
When I first began making jewelry I loved sitting down and watching a piece come together in the most beautiful and unexpected way. I made whatever I wanted to on any given day and I found that my work found a happy owner just as fast as I could make it. I was happy and business was really good.
Within a few years I became seduced by the idea that I should take my business further. I was doing really, really well so it just seemed like the next logical step. I decided it was time to branch out to boutiques and ego whispered in my ear often that she wanted to see my work in magazines. Goals on paper. Goals met. In reality, this wasn't as great as I imagined it would be. I was forced to create collections for the first time, meet press deadlines, and monitor numbers closely. But worst of all I was loosing the freedom I valued so much. I found it difficult to keep up the pace and I needed production help. Fabricating each piece myself was my true love. Giving that up to anyone else was non negotiable.
Over the past two or maybe three years I've genuinely struggled emotionally with balance within my business. I never truly felt like an artist because they are really good, right? However, I couldn't identify as a designer either because I just couldn't stick with one signature look to carry my brand and I didn't have a desire to keep up with style trends. In recent months I have realized that I do create like an artist and I'm not happy trying to be anything but what I am.
It's cold here today. Bone chilling cold and when it gets like this my husband endures my endless and sometimes angry pleading to move to Hawaii. It's the place I once lived and loved with all of my soul. He is happy here and tells me he just isn't ready. He has built a great business. One that frustrates him some days but overall gives him great satisfaction. Still I relentlessly plead with him. Yet, I'm no different. I've put my heart and soul into building my business. What would happen if I switched gears? What if I went back to working in silver more and making whatever I felt like from one day to the next? What if I didn't post to social media every day God forbid? I have told myself repeatedly it would be suicide. (Would it be?) I would most likely find myself starting over or at the very least loosing most of my current customers. (I would find new ones then, right?) Yet I was asking my husband to consider doing something I wasn't even willing to do. Let go of all that he had built, both good and bad. I couldn't let go. I couldn't look my ego in the eye and tell her to get over herself.
What I know for sure is that change is coming. I feel the tug to go back to my jewelry roots and I'm finding myself making "secret" pieces. I don't want to make something and then waste energy worrying if it will be received well. I need to lighten up. I want to be brave and part of that is being honest with you.
I don't know what this change will look like at this point, but I'm going to take some time and play. It may just be a phase, but I don't think so. I only know that this decision feels right. Some might think I'm crazy and that's okay. Maybe I am, but I'm sure about it because saying this feesl good and I haven't felt this solid in a while.